One Year Memorial
45
Hear The Song
בלדה לאישה
מילים: תרצה אתר, לחן: משה וילנסקי
אפילו ענני הגובה, לא יכלו לשתיקתה
היא הביטה עד בלי שבע,
היא הביטה וידעה
שכעת פורחות בעמק,
שלל חבצלות הבר
ולמרות הכל, הכל נגמר.
אפילו ענני אוקטובר,
הסגולים אל מול שקיעה,
לא עזרו לה אף לרגע,
לא עזרו להרגע,
אף כי שוב פרחו בעמק,
שלל חבצלות הבר
למרות הכל, הכל נגמר.
אפילו הספרים בחדר,
הסגור והעצוב,
כבר ידעו היא לא בסדר,
היא הולכת לבלי שוב
עוד פורחות הרחק בעמק,
שלל חבצלות הבר
אך למרות הכל, הכל נגמר.
From deep depths
The Idan Richel Project
From deep depths I called to you
come to me
with your return the light in my eyes will
come back
it's not finished, I am not leaving the
touch of your hands
that it may come and light up/wake upon
hearing the sound of your laugh.
From deep depths I called to you come to me
the moonlight I will again light your way to me
they're spread out and melted again
the touch of your hands
I whisper, ask in your ears:
Who is it that calls to you tonight - listen
who sings loudly to you - to your window
who put his soul so you'd be happy
who will put his hand and build you your home
who will give his life, put it underneath you
who will be like dust living at your feet
who will love you of all your lovers
who will save you from all evil spirits
from the deep depths.
Sung by A senior at the high school on
the memorial ceremony
How did you enter my world…& how did you leave it very soon after... & you still left a mark. You entered using your feeler steps & your typical hesitance. Skeptic, suspicious & checking while very decisive. You decided that you found in me things that fit you, are important & you felt comfortable with…
Thus, in your way you came closer… Never before obviously, you put me under several tests.
I passed these & I was chosen along with a few friends & people dear to you,
to accompany you through the time when you fought the illness, with never succumbing optimism, which actually went on almost to your last moments…
You also fought over being your class educator till the last minute.
You loved your kids, you believed in them; you guided them & created trusting & loving relationships; & those of them who managed to get off their jobs/army are with us here today & those who were not given a chance to be here are torturing themselves about it.
You left such a void with us. We found ourselves often saying, “Tammy’s head is missing”, “if Tammy was here she would certainly had an idea." A brilliant woman, with such high qualities… until your last minutes you still asked us to bring along the laptop so that you can work.
We miss you, dear
We are happy that your suffering ended & we are certain that you are up there watching & loving us even from there.
A big hug from us all, love…
Nessia, The High School principal
I miss her, I yearn for her so much, all the time, non-stop. Very deep inside me there is no, there is no power to see day after day, repeatedly that – as far as can be seen – No, there is no chance for a change, a chance for “please, just a little longer, please, please; please, let me have just a little more time together, valuable, meaningful time, w a chance to express, to share, to try… just a little more, just a little please… to organize things differently, in some sort of sensible, & deservable order, w just a little opportunity , a little tolerance, forgiveness???? Time It has been years, ever since the time came back to Israel that I had to get used to patience, to yearning …
& even through those years, as we all got used to the “efficiency” of the internet…
& now??? We’ve just started to get used to be together here – distances are not so long…seems like… no car is a problem still… It seems like what is the big deal??? I recall first night in your place in Hagor…you loved so much being there… we were speaking – more & more, until we fell asleep… a short while thereafter I woke up to discover that you fell on your way back to bed/half asleep… hospitalization next day… there…back…you are trying to help me calm down, making light of my concern, which I was trying to conceal…my head is swamped w wonderment, questions…what is really going on here???!!!
Over & over again I delve inside… could this be meaningless too?!?!?!
Was I a strong mother, understanding enough about all these connections & their meanings???!!!
Hospitalization…& returning home …. “Internal Dpt” & Davidoff…how do I read this??? Being sent home seems promising…
Days later, you’re free in Hagor again… both of us along w 2 girlfriends in Hagor. You asked everybody to be quiet & announced: “Mom, years ago you showed us this ring that you bought for yourself “for days to come”. I found it herer today & I am giving it back to you “for the upcoming days that will be good, from now on…”
I was so excited about this incident, & possibly this is why the ring disappeared again that day…I have not even noticed it, until…
When Rutta came back from her short trip to NY she found the ring, & being unaware of the “ceremony” Tammy arranged earlier on she placed it in a nice special ring-box since she too recalled me showing it to her, but was unaware of Tammy’s little ceremony… such a short time before Tammy left us for ever…
How, how are we going to have “Good days” now??? These were winter days last year when we were taken from Bait BaLev in Ra’anana to Beilinson again…
Is there a chance for real help??? I was wondering to myself… How will I know how to help?!
There are no many rainy days in this winter season… a few drops… but my patience for the running drops inside me & through my eyes & all over me…
Your Mother, Aviva
Hear The Song
Dear Tammy,
A full year had passed since you left & the sorrow & pain never stops, does not let out; life routines continue… we just lit Hanukah candles, & your absence is so present!... Photos, memories, shared experiences come up all the time with no control. Each one of us seems to have her/his own "Tammy", the special things that were in the connection with Tammy through the years…
Often I find myself deep in thoughts, noticing the pain in your asking / wondering eyes during my last visit with you in Bait Ba’lev… And I recall again our long conversations, starting always with educational-professional issues & moving quite fast to personal talks. Through those I discovered your very wise, sensitive, embracing soul.
Once in a while I enter your website, so I can observe over & over again your childhood photos, letters, and drawings of yours, through these Tammy the very special girl comes across: a happy girl, who likes stories & songs, games & performances. And also in adolescence organizing & calling others in your group to take part in there, & obviously loving animals, dogs & mostly cats.
Through all these the difficulties going through transferring from one country to another, the longings & the facing of a new environment, & with questions about connection, belonging with which you were faced again upon returning to Israel. To me it looks like these special challenges created & increased you as a very sensitive person, to the needs of the other, a very tolerant & human person, who knows how to give so much love.
And as a person who gave love & searched for love, you knew also to accept it. Through the time you were ill you allowed the people who loved you to embrace you, to give to you & show you how meaningful was the love we all felt towards you. How happy were you to read & to listen to the loving words that your students sent to you…
Tammy, I believe that the great love between us with which you’re engulfed brought you calm & provided you with the strength to cope in very difficult moments.
I will end quoting the words of Rabbi Kook:
That power is fierce for you,
You have wings of spirit
Wings of mighty eagles
Do not deny them
Lest they deny you
You need them, you need a human being
And they will find it immediately.
Tammy, I love & remember you with everybody in the Family of
Hod Ha’Sharon Technological High School
Noa Shamban
It is so difficult to believe that a whole year had passed, & one more time we are standing here near this stone, having such difficulty believing that you are not with us in your body, but only in our hearts.
A more personal aspect… what can I say, Tammy… after a whole year it is still so difficult to say your name using past tense… You come up in my thoughts, in our thoughts, all the time in those daily situations in life in which you’re so present… in my long travels to the north as we were having long talks, in a restaurant in the gas station, in all those small life events in life… i was thinking about it so deeply, why only when someone is gone we remember how much she is missed, why is the void, the nonexistent, reminding us the existent or what had happened.
Tammy, our Tammy & always you will remain this way, you are so much The “existing” & it is so difficult for me to think about it every time all over again That everything is left as a memory, even if real, it still The Is for all memory.
Tammy, the smile, the hair, the external & internal beauty that you had not appreciated, the insights & wisdom, the personal learning ability, the high intelligence.
Conversation was always interesting, yes, we argued some times, & you knew to always remind me that even when you were angry you still love us. This was & stays the secret of your wonder.
You were & you still are for me a very wise person & very ambivalent – always questioning, wondering, you refused to accept warmth & love until you had no other choice.
With the illness that was ‘progressing’ you’re smart to open up & to make peace with the world & our environment.
The close friends that you at least separated from us with a sense of acceptance & quiet emotional peace with the world in which you lives – something that was missing for you in your life.
Our Tammy, you are missed & you will always be missed. I hope that if there is another place except of this one, you possibly know that. You left an impact, I do not like to say that you left a void when you left – you would not have wanted to leave voids.
But we will remember you truthful, real, the way you were in life, the way you became integrated in our lives – this is the way we remember.
We always love you the way you always wanted – exactly the way you are, exactly the way you were.
The Ravits, Malka, & Irit
